The comedy is over. The trouble is the comedians themselves don't realise it. The Football Association say Keegan is safe until 2002. But if he's any pride or any sense he'll get out.
He says he's got lots to learn, like how to get footballers paid £20,000 a week plus to pass the ball to each other, but the truth is he could stick around until 3002, and still couldn't hack it. The job's beyond him. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I've always felt this way and see no reason not to reiterate these views, now they have, to my regret, been vindicated by events.
England on Tuesday night were formless and shapeless, their defence nonexistent, and, as with all Keegan sides, cut to bits with ease. But, surprisingly, for those who say Keegan is at least a motivator, they were spineless and spiritless as well.
England weren't robbed. They deserved to lose, and their manifold frailties reflect not just the lack of talent of too many individual players, but their coach's inability to add value by organising them properly.
Germany was a false dawn. They are in even direr straits than we are, our scrappy 1-0 victory, welcome though it was, put into proper context just three days later by the ease with which Portugal reserves swept the Germans aside.
After the Portugal-Romania game, the Portuguese coach praised his Romanian counterpart for his tactical sense, saying his decisions during the match had been perfect and had almost allowed an ageing Romanian squad to triumph. Can you imagine any such tribute being paid to Keegan, now or ever? You can't, and I can't, and that's why he should go.
Looking back, there was a moment when it all went wrong for England, and that was when Terry Venables made his decision to step down after Euro 96. It probably had to happen, given the chaotic state of Tel's business affairs, but we lost a coach of genuine international quality just when he was getting results. It's enough to make you weep when you compare the way England played against Holland in 96 and their display on Tuesday night.
Venables's successor, Glenn Hoddle, was still learning his trade as a coach. When he took on Chelsea they were 11th, and they were 11th when he left, hardly suggesting that Hoddle was the finished article. And, of course, he failed. The final stages of our 1998 World Cup campaign marred by the kind of tactical errors against Romania that destroyed Keegan's credibility on Tuesday.
Hoddle going was another moment of truth, a time to swallow hard and conclude there was no English coach of sufficient stature to do the job. But then on to the stage bounced another low comedian, FA chairman Geoff Thompson. Had Thompson reached these dizzy heights after a career of any genuine distinction, he would have known that these days nationality matters little when serious organisations choose a man for a top job.
But Thompson is a Sheffield magistrate, who was once commercial manager of Doncaster Rovers, and he's a Little Englander. You couldn't rely on someone who wasn't English to really give his all when the chips were down, Thompson opined ridiculously, closing off all manner of interesting options. And it only took a red-top tabloid campaign of unusual idiocy, even for them, and Keegan was in, a lovely bloke with about as much to offer as England coach as my dog (a Cairn terrier, so not English enough for Mr Thompson).
Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. That's why England's campaign to qualify for the next World Cup, which begins in just a few weeks' time, won't be for the faint-hearted.
We are stuck with monkeys
One of the best things about England's last two games was the refereeing. Both were excellent, Urs Meier and his assistants particularly so on Tuesday, brilliantly separating the dives from the genuine fouls, and allowing our second goal rightly to stand, when Owen's own position, and Shearer tracking back from an off-side position, would have given many an English league linesman an irresistible opportunity to wave his flag. So why not some top foreign referees in the Premiership next season to encourage some of our local lumps along a bit?
Too expensive, grunted one Premiership panjandrum this week. Which only goes to prove that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Stop hooligans taking liberties with our civil rights
Hooliganism in Charleroi and Brussels cruelly exposed, as was both predictable and predicted, the Government's inept handling of the passport confiscation issue.
They now say it wouldn't have stopped the trouble as some of those involved were unknown to the police, and I don't doubt that's right.
But it would have given them some defence to the charge of gross negligence in taking no action at all. And their failure to do so is yet another nail in England's coffin for the upcoming 2006 vote.
How silly of them to be outsmarted by the Germans, whose own legislation has been praised to the skies, even though Jack Straw is surely right (the only thing in this whole sorry business he has been right about) when he says it doesn't actually do much. All the more reason to condemn their folly in allowing themselves to be so readily embarrassed by our main European rivals.
Another reason why many of those deported were of good character is that quite a lot of them, I feel sure, did nothing wrong beyond choosing a dodgy place to have a drink.
Watching the Belgian paramilitary police beating hell out of men lying defenceless on the floor suggests rough justice predominated, and not the least outrageous aspect of Straw's feckless handling of this matter is that he and Blair had to mouth full support for police tactics that were often brutal and unacceptable
As for the mayor of Brussels, how could he get away with saying the mere presence of English supporters in Brussels was a provocation to their Turkish residents without a British Government protest ?
What's to be done now? Measures that would allow proven trouble-makers to be banned from travelling should be introduced to Parliament without further delay. A number of Premiership clubs, led by Chelsea, have said they will impose life bans on any supporters involved in violence. They want details from the police, but Straw now says the police may not be able to give these for 'civil liberties' reasons.
Why do only thugs have civil rights? Don't the rest of us have the right to be spared watching last weekend's scenes ever again? Helping the clubs purge football of some of its troublemakers offers a good chance for Straw to redeem what's left off his reputation. But I'm not holding my breath.
I love it when a plan comes together
The final shape of Chelsea's squad for next season is now becoming clear, and the Stamford Bridge faithful should take heart that important weaknesses have been addressed.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Eidur Gudjohnsen will add punch up front. Far too often last season Chelsea's stylish play broke down in the final third because of over-elaboration. They shoot on sight, and that will be very welcome.
Contrary to rumour, their strike partners will be Tore Andre Flo and Gianfranco Zola.
Flo's genuine talent and commitment to the club have kept him in west London when the temptation for Chelsea to take top dollar for a fine, but flawed player might have been overwhelming, while Zola and Vialli have buried the hatchet and he's staying put.
In midfield, the arrival of Mario Stanic, and in all likelihood Nicky Barmby, will add width and pace.
At the back, a move for Gareth Southgate may still be on, despite the swap plan for Chris Sutton having fallen through.
If Southgate comes, Frank Leboeuf will go, otherwise the sole remaining question marks concern Didier Deschamps and Dan Petrescu. Deschamps has been a disappointment, a water carrier whose bucket has sprung a large and potentially irreparable leak.
The transfer market is about to go crazy, and the fact Chelsea are pretty much done and dusted will be welcome to all their fans, just as the outlay on new talent will reinforce convictions that Chelsea's battle to join Europe's elite is far from over.
The new signings will reduce the squad's average age considerably, and even enhance its English component, though hopefully not to the point that Chelsea's prospects are damaged by the kind of rubbish we saw on Tuesday.
