What a pretty pass we've come to. UEFA chief executive Gerhard Aigner, a leaden-footed Swiss German bureaucrat of the worst sort, has accused Jack Straw of failing to do enough to stop hooliganism at Euro 2000.
Aigner, the man who took no action against the Turks over the Leeds killings; the fellow who saw no evil in Copenhagen and blamed it all on the media; the prat who has defied all reason and logic, including the wishes of a Belgian parliamentary committee, to stage next week's England-Germany game in Charleroi? Yes, that's the one.
The guy has based an entire career on vacillation and for him to accuse Jack Straw of being negligent is like Robin Cook telling me I'm ugly. But sad to say, Aigner is right.
Straw knew this was coming, he's been Home Secretary for three years, and is a football man.
Yet he did nothing, except a last-minute measure that I think is justified, having done it myself in 1992, but which will nevertheless smack of illiberality to some.
Names of supposed hooligans have been supplied to the Belgian and Dutch authorities. We haven't been told how many, and we haven't been told what people need to have done to get on the list, but it apparently doesn't have to be previous convictions, leaving a real possibility of mistaken identity in some cases.
Nobody on the list knows they are on it, even though that would not only be fair, but sensible, in that it might deter some from setting out in the first place.
When I agreed to that for the 1992 European Championships in Sweden, I'd only been in the job a month. But for Jack Straw, there's no excuse for what is nothing better than a panic response. And now, as usual, Jack is talking tough, having acted weak.
He's calling on the Dutch and the Belgians to crack down on British yobs, and they need no encouragement from him.
The chances are it won't matter much whether they really are yobs, so long as they are British and if he has any doubts on that score, let him ask Tony Banks, who was on the wrong end of aggressive Belgian policing during a Chelsea visit to Bruges a few seasons back.
The danger, of course, is that having acted so ineffectually against the real villains, all that Jack the Straw man will achieve now is ensuring the police make the lives of every English fan a misery, except of course Jack and his Cabinet colleagues on their freebies, who won't have to suffer any of the privations inflicted on the common herd.
As well as panic measures, we seem to have got a dose of media manipulation as well.
Two 'hooligans' are supposed to have been turned back already. Usually, the police are as leaky as a sieve, but as yet we haven't been told who they are.
But a photo of them, if available, would have gone on to every front page, and served well as a message to others not to travel.
By now I hope this omission has been rectified, otherwise the unworthy thought might occur to me that these men don't actually exist.
Anyway, everything now is in the lap of the gods. If there isn't serious trouble, it won't be because of anything Jack has done to prevent it, and if there is, Jack's got no defence.
When even Gerhard Aigner notices something's wrong, you know a guy's got real problems.
Time for an England-Germany Cup truce
South Africa's deal with Brazil opens up the possibility of three World Cups in a row going out of Europe. But is that really acceptable, when most of the money and the serious action is in Europe?
And before you get too generous, and think it's okay to spread it around, just think. Japan and Korea in 2002 means there won't be any games at all here in the evenings because it will be 4-5am in Japan. At best they'll be on at breakfast and lunchtime. That's fine every other tournament, but is that what you really want for the best part of two decades? I don't think so.
In South Africa 60,000 people were murdered last year. The last time I was in Johannesburg, no car stopped at red traffic lights at night for fear of attack. Life is cheap.
FIFA bureaucrats haven't noticed that of course, because they went around accompanied by dozens of police. But the ordinary punters will, and going to the World Cup could become a hazardous occupation indeed, quite different from a quick trip across the Channel to France.
The England camp are saying the withdrawal of Brazil is good for us. Well, they would, wouldn't they? Now, I don't want to knock people who have slaved to bring the tournament here. Win, lose or draw, Alec McGivan, Tony Banks, Bobby Charlton, Geoff Hurst and the others deserve our deepest gratitude.
But my question is, can this game still be won, or is this week's news yet another fillip to the case for South Africa, which is one for the heart, not the head?
England start 2-0 down because we're locked out of our own back yard. Because of the suggested deal that brought England Euro 96, and was supposed to give the Germans the World Cup in 2006, seven of the eight European votes are committed to Germany. And it asks a lot for us to come even second when we have to scratch around the rest of the world for our votes.
But this South African-Brazil axis proves it isn't an English but a European problem.
It's an attempt to pocket Europe's money, while robbing our continent of a proper slice of the tournament itself. We won't get it again until 2014 if all this works out. And that's why, in the face of this challenge, Europe should unite.
If South Africa and Brazil can do a deal, why not England and Germany? Half a loaf is better than no bread.
And if FIFA persist with their nonsensical view that while it's okay for Japan and Korea to share it, but not England and Germany, then UEFA should point out it's unacceptable for football's power base not to stage every other tournament.
I've been piling on the clichés today, because clichés attain that status because they are true. So here's another one.
He who pays the piper calls the tune. Or should do. And needs to, if this one is to be rescued.
And we're fast running out of time.
• The Duke of Kent, one of the ablest and most conscientious of the Royals, has stepped down from the presidency of the FA in favour of Prince Andrew - and I can't see the sense of it.
Andrew is a golf fanatic with no discernible interest in football. Far better for the Duke to have stayed on a bit longer and handed over to Prince William, the only one of them, bar his brother, who seems to have any genuine feeling for our national game.
• More evidence that football is going mad comes with Soccernet's revelation that Juventus may be willing to pay £30 million for Nicolas Anelka.
It's daft enough to pay out £30 million for Rivaldo, or think Figo is worth £40m, but that kind of money for a wild child like Anelka would be the rashest investment since the South Sea Bubble.
Last year Manchester United, Europe's biggest club financially, made £30m gross profit before tax and distributions to shareholders.
So whatever may be said about an upcoming £2 billion TV deal, as against the £10m ITV paid a decade ago, it's still obvious that that kind of figure for a flawed talent like Anelka is simply unsustainable.
• Most of the England squad are paid £1 million a year, and some considerably more. So why on earth are the FA forking out £66,000 to give their wives and girlfriends a free ride to the event? Can't the players pay out of their own deep pockets, as the rest of us would have to?
Talking of sex, Arsenal's Freddie Ljungberg has been discussing his love life: 'After having sex the night before a match, I lose all feeling in my feet. I'm totally empty.
'I can't control the ball. Instead I watch erotic movies, that doesn't affect my power.'
That's nice to know, although I suppose it depends a little on what he does while watching them.
And if he comes on to the pitch next week wearing glasses, we'll know, won't we?
Marcel to stay or I'm the Pope
I'm sure a number of players will be leaving Stamford Bridge this summer and, in some cases, the only honest response is to murmur thank God - but Marcel Desailly won't be one of them. Ken Bates is adamant Desailly should stay and every Chelsea fan will agree.
The man may not love us or English football the way Zola (who I still hope will stay) does, but he's the business, and still very much in his prime.
As for Desailly going to Manchester United, there's a better chance of Ian Paisley becoming Pope.
