England expects that this month every supporter will do his duty, Mick Dennis went shopping and consuming for his country.

I was a tad disappointed not to see any of Kevin's lads in my local McDonald's when I called in.

According to the advertising, McDonald's is the official restaurant of the England team but, although I hung around for hours, making each Chicken McNugget last 10 minutes, none of the team turned up.

Undaunted, I popped into Sainsbury's, the official supermarket of the England team, in the hope of seeing David Seaman among the shampoos or Alan Shearer buying Phyllosan or the Nevilles looking for two-for-one offers. But again I was out of luck.

So I took solace by grabbing a pack of Carlsberg cans for patriotic purposes, noting that the logo said 'Official Supporter of the England Team', presumably because the Football Association thought that branding something the official lager of the England team might be a touch inappropriate. Most of the chaps prefer tequila.

Still, the FA had no such qualms about the image of players stuffing themselves with crisps, so I was able to buy a jumbo bag of Walkers, which are, as you've probably worked out by now, the official snack of the England team.

There was another let down at Burton's, the official menswear supplier to the England team, because there was not a sarongs section and so I didn't glimpse David Beckham among the customers.

I contented myself instead by browsing around the shopping centre for more England products. There were plenty.

I bought a copy of the computer game Championship Manager, because Eidos, who make it, are official interactive partners of the England team, but although Citizen are official timekeepers for the England team, their watches seemed a bit expensive.

So I dropped in at an Internet cafe and logged on to www.england-direct.com - the official online store for the England team - and was immediately rewarded by finding a much cheaper watch.

It was only £29.99 (phew! I'd have hated to have paid thirty quid for it) and guaranteed for an entire year. It has the England logo on the woven strap and is shock resistant.

I only hope I'm shock resistant when I wake up one morning soon, look at it and realise it is grotesquely naff. Still, my country needs me, and these are all official England products, so I shopped on, mining the rich vein of unforgettable collectibles on the website.

Now, it has to be said that shopping for England does require the willing suspense of good taste.

For instance, if you want to buy a figurine to commemorate the triumph of 1966, you have to accept that the little dolly which is meant to be Bobby Moore looks like a genetically modified Steve Davis.

And you have to accept that the blurb which accompanies the Admiral leisurewear unintentionally provides new definitions of the words 'stylish' and 'understated'.

It is only possible to convince yourself that a 'retro T-shirt' which deliberately looks like the alarmingly loud England shirts of the Seventies is both stylish and understated if you are sufficiently full of Carlsberg.

At least it won't look any worse if you throw up over it after all those McDonald's and crisps.

Yet still I shopped on. Any day now a truck will arrive at Chez Dennis to unload a consignment of household accessories.

I couldn't choose between the England beanbag or the England beanchair, so I ordered a couple of both and, to set them off, I ordered the England 'away' curtains. (Again, only £29.99, which was a relief and no, I'm not making this stuff up, you really can buy all this junk).

Finally, I bought a £6 England flag, bearing the cross of St George and the Three Lions logo. It has a flexible plastic stick, so I won't damage myself when I wave it as they come to take me away.

England may not win Euro 2000, but they are clear winners in the commercial stakes. And that's official.

Howard's wrong way

Now, a year later, Taylor has guided Gillingham to promotion and England's youngsters are left staring at a bigger picture in which winning doesn't matter.