Like that perfect gentleman Joe Royle, who amused us with his take on X-rated football, and Aston Villa, who are surely not as boring as we find them. That said, every word on Roy Keane has been toned down to protect readers of a more sensitive nature. It's a shame the Manchester United skipper can't seem to find a way to tone down the red mist when it descends. Careers, Roy, are not there to be destroyed. Yours, or that of your victims...

Enjoy...

	BITS AND PIECES
PLAYER OF THE WEEK	It's been some time since Scott Parker first hit the nation's TV screens with a display of deft footballing skills in his back garden before scoffing down an hamburger from a famous fast food chain. Some years on the young Charlton midfielder seems to have suffered few side affects to his pushy-parent endorsed eating habits and proved as such on Saturday against Chelsea. The England under-21 international chased the likes of Gus Poyet, Dennis Wise and Sam dalla Bona all over Stamford Bridge and even earned a respectful kick from the Uruguayan.
TEAM OF THE WEEK	Goes to Barnet for finding their form in the nick of time. It's been a funny season at Underhill. In fact, before the season even started Barnet were in danger of dropping out of the league because of the state of their tiny ground. Only last minute pleas persuaded the Football League to grant the North London side a state of grace. Despite just two defeats in their first ten games Barnet lost their way a bit. When Tony Cottee took over as manager a 7-0 thrashing of Blackpool looked like a new start for the club, but it proved to be a false dawn and four-and-a-half months later Cottee scuttled away to Millwall. Things had been steadily getting worse until Rochdale arrived and were promptly roasted by a meaner looking Barnet side. It was a win made all the more sweet when the Lancashire side beat relegation rivals Lincoln on Monday.
MANAGER OF THE WEEK	Celtic manager Martin O'Neil's sojourn in Scotland may be a lot briefer than most people realise judging by the noises coming out of Manchester this week. It has been the worse kept secret for some time that O'Neill is on a short wish-list to replace Sir Alex Ferguson at the end of next season, but perhaps the biggest clue to his arrival came in the infamous words of United's skipper this week. Most commentators on the Scottish game have put Celtic's dominance down to O'Neill's ability to take a mediocre side and give it the confidence to become a winning team. A factor that hasn't been lost on Roy Keane - and the mediocre men around him..
MATCH OF THE WEEK	Deportivo La Coruna 2-0 Leeds United: After a first leg annihilation of the Spaniards David O'Leary probably did not expect his side to limp so precariously close to losing the tie, but most neutrals will be happy that they did. As early as the ninth minute Deportivo sniffed an opportunity to upset the odds when Harry Kewell gave away a needless penalty. And when Leeds steely nerve deserted them on 73 minutes, extra-time looked on the cards. But heroic defending, exemplary team spirit and a little bit of luck saw Leeds through to the final four. Meanwhile, across Spain Valencia were knocking out Arsenal, to round up a fascinating night of European football.
DULLEST MATCH OF THE WEEK	Aston Villa 0-0 Southampton: As Leeds and Liverpool continue their attempt to derail my campaign to have the Premiership renamed the FA Boring Premiership, along come Aston Villa and Southampton to reaffirm my ideals. Those hardy souls at Villa Park who were sensible enough to bring the Saturday newspapers with them would have noticed that in the Nationwide leagues every game had a purpose - play-off, promotion or relegation - while the Premiership could boast two games with no purpose other than the need to take money at the turnstile. This was one of them and I'm happy to tell you that both teams lived up to their billing. Boring.
GOAL OF THE WEEK	But it was only a penalty, I hear you say. Yes, but Gary McAllister showed a tremendous amount of guts to step in front of Michael Owen, among others, to take the spot kick that put Liverpool into their first European final since 1985. And he did strike it very well. One wonders whether he will be quite so confident if he had to take a penalty against David Seaman in the FA Cup Final next month? After his miss in Euro 96, that would take guts.
MUPPET OF THE WEEK	He has been Manchester United hater's favourite bugbear for years now, but now it seems that even true reds may be struggling to come to terms with their beloved skipper's actions. Hot on the heels of a whimpering exit from the Champions League, Roy Keane decides that it is not just the 'prawn sandwich eating' fans of the club who are keeping his medal tally down but the rather mediocre players around him. The genius with the large wallet is convinced that unless Fergie buys lots of talented players to play with his god-like self then he will up and leave. Moments later he proves his own worthiness with a pre-meditated assault on Alfie Haaland that should see him put inside rather than just fined. He is a nasty little man with a mouth and his words and deeds may just see him leave Old Trafford in the not so distant future with few ruing his departure. After all, football fans can be gloriously fickle. Just ask Paul Ince

GORDON'S ALIVE! (in homage to Mr Strachan) - Tragedy or near misses bring out a certain kind of humour in the English. Not content with breathing a sigh of relief and thanking their lucky stars that everything turned out alright in the end, your quintessential Englishman will normally open his mouth and attempt to say something funny. What usually comes out though tends to sound a little naff and often can be seen as remarkably crass given the circumstances. Joe Royle managed the impossible this week when he managed to trivialise Roy Keane's horror challenge on Alfie Haaland with a joke in poor taste. Over to you Joe...

'They don't send each other Christmas cards. Alfie said he was lucky today. His leg was in the air and if it had been on the floor we would still be looking for it.'

What an unpleasant image.

ON THE UP AND UP - Well done Cardiff City. Sam Hammam has swiftly proved in Wales that his eccentric exterior is married to a rather shrewd interior. The original member of the Crazy Gang walked into the Welsh capital and immediately stole the hearts of the local football fans. Last summer I was lucky to see at first hand the genuine appreciation the fans have for the little Lebanese businessman. Almost 11,000 fans packed into Ninian Park to welcome him to his first game back in August. Many more are likely to join in the promotion celebrations on Saturday against Shrewsbury Town.

GOING DOWN WITH THE ....... - The less-than-mighty are dropping like flies as the 2000/1 season enters its final throes. In the First Division we have already lost QPR and Tranmere, while Luton are likely to join Oxford and Swansea in Division Three next season before the week is out. Meanwhile at the bottom of the Third Division, Barnet's sudden upsurge in form has moved me to change my mind on who will drop out of the league this season. Torquay are currently in the hotseat, but two home games in a week might change that. Instead Carlisle United (third from bottom) might chance a worried look over their shoulder. Their atrocious record away from home this season (3 wins in 21 games) might yet haunt them as they are forced to travel twice this week. Second bottom Halifax have the comfort of two home games as well. Could this be the season Carlisle finally succumb.

YOU PAID HOW MUCH? - It is impossible to leave the Ruud van Nistelrooy transfer alone. The kneeless wonder from Holland will arrive on these shores in time for next season. Honest. I have no doubt that he is a talented chap, but the Dutch leagues are not the hotpot of talent they were in the 70s and 80s and paying £19million for a 24-year-old who has suffered the same long-term injury twice smacks of desperate optimism. Having said that, if it signals the start of a rebuilding programme for a team that seems to have lost its way in Europe, then most Manchester United fans would be pleased. Still, you can't help thinking that Fergie won't be able to sleep at night knowing that Van Nistelrooy will continue to turn out for PSV's five remaining matches.

YOU MARK MY WORDS... - Not much luck last time round, but I am going to continue with the same system - picking three from four (four bets). This Saturday back Everton (v Bradford), QPR (v Stockport), Port Vale (v Notts County) and Torquay (v York).