This was the invention which was going to make him his fortune; a hat with a wig attached to the crown, so that women could hide their curlers. I promise I am not making this up.

Sadly, the idea was unsuccessful. In fact, it may just have been the most implausible notion that the cheeky little chap has ever conceived. Until last week. For that was the week when our Tel announced that the nation should hold a referendum to choose the next coach of the England football team.

In fairness, Tel Boy cannot claim all the credit for this remarkable wheeze. That, it appears, must go to Mrs Tel. Or, as he puts it: 'My wife came up with the idea for a plebiscite, bright lady that she is, and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made.'

After all, as Tel observes: 'If Tony Blair can have a referendum on the single European currency, why not have one to pick the England coach?'

Now some of us have long suspected that Venables is not the sharpest knife in the box, so we were not surprised to learn that he cannot differentiate between a decision which will shape the social, political and economic landscape of the nation for generations, and one which will determine who picks a football team.

But most people will feel that, this time, Tel has surpassed himself. A referendum; have you ever heard the like? Conducted by universal suffrage and at public expense, I presume, with booths open from dawn to dusk across the land. And a full turn-out of police, pundits and pollsters. And election broadcasts presented by one of the Dimblebys, since this isn't the kind of thing you could entrust to Des.

It might seem an awful lot of trouble for such a frivolous cause, but as Tel himself has so pertinently remarked: 'This is the people's game, so let the people decide.'

In fairness, there are one or two other snags which Tel's media bag carriers have neglected to mention in their desire to indulge their risible guru. For example, there is the awkward fact that England already have a coach, and that coach has a contract.

Had Kevin Keegan aired similar half-brained theories about plebiscites when Venables held the England job, then Tel's chums would have formed a firing squad.

But Venables has evidently prepared his defence against charges of disloyalty: 'This does not imply any criticism whatsoever of Kevin on my part,' he says. 'Let's be clear about this. He's the man in the hot seat and he's doing his very best to make it all work.' It sounded like the kind of patronising tosh which gives insincerity a bad name.

Then there is the fact that scarcely anybody who is remotely qualified to coach England would demean himself by taking part in a referendum charade. And so - barring late runs from Keith Chegwin and Tony Banks - Venables would be summoned to the Palace to kiss hands on his appointment.

On reflection, perhaps it's best not to mention the Palace. That was the club where he was hired at stupendous expense, signed 13 players in five months and left them in 14th place in the First Division and on their way to Carey Street.

Palace followed his unfortunate experience at Portsmouth, where he bought his way in for £1, stayed for a year and departed when they were seven points adrift at the foot of the table, pausing only to collect a 'performance bonus' of £300,000 and a pay-off of some £250,000, while the players waited for their wages and the administrators took over the wreckage.

I seriously doubt that Tel will bother to canvass on the South Coast or in London SE25 when his 'referendum' campaign gets under way.

The club adventures followed his failure to take Australia to the World Cup finals of 1998 - they were dismissed over two legs by the allconquering Iranians.

They also followed the achievement which, according to the Friends of Tel, entitles him to a place among the titans of the game. I refer, of course, to Euro '96, when England played every game at Wembley, won two out of five matches in open play and finished equal third in a miserably sub-standard tournament.

But the fact that he just isn't up to the job is not the only objection to Venables. No, the deepest reservations will always be found in the 'baggage' which he would bring to the task.

The Friends of Tel rarely mention the fact that a painstaking inquiry by the Department of Trade and Industry found their chum guilty of lies, bribes, deception and dishonesty. As a result, he was debarred from acting as a company director for seven years.

And this is the character who has the impertinence to ask for the nation's backing in an ill-conceived and self-serving 'referendum' project.

In the face of this mischievous nonsense, we should give thanks for the civilised judgment of the FA chairman Geoff Thompson. 'It is time to make an unequivocal statement so that no-one has any doubts about our stance,' he said.

'Our position is that we intend to let Kevin Keegan get on with the job. He has a contract to 2002 and we want him to take England to the World Cup finals. There are no doubts, there is no confusion . . . we want him to get on with the job.'

Naturally, this will not stop Tel from flogging his own wares. 'I keep hearing that I would be the people's choice. So if the circumstances arise, why not find out if it's true?'

Good effort, Tel, but it won't work. Our memories are too long and our standards too high. You may tell the police, pundits, pollsters and even the Dimblebys that their services will not be required. For you are not the future England coach.